Post-game Shitmas
by Bondomu
Summary: Dirk spends his first Christmas with Dave and Karkat. It's different to how he thought Christmas was supposed to go, having never actually had one before. His second Christmas however... (There's actually a lot of characters in this, ok?)


**I had a jar of apple sauce and a can of pasito for dinner and it gave me the idea for this shitfic. You're probably all wondering; whaaaat? Bondomu isn't making a goddamn romance!? Is he dying? What's happened!? I can promise you I love Stridercest but like, I feel like I need to write this for some reason. Uh, by the way the POV wavers a little by accident in the beginning because I wasn't sure which part of the story I was going to be writing first so it kind of wavered between Classic Homestuck Portrayal and just General Fuckery. ALSO I kind of mix around timing a bit so it works for this fic. But only a little, I swear. (By timing, I mean in relevance to the Credits video timing)**

 **Start**

It's the 25th of December, a normal day of course; why wouldn't it be? Maybe not normal to others, but here in the Strider household the big ass dead tree in the middle of the kitchen is for purely and only the most ironic of reasons. At first, Dirk had thought that maybe putting it in the kitchen would be going overboard with the irony, but you both agreed that it was the absolute most perfect place to put the tree. Right in front of the fridge, leaning against it; this year Dirk had made sure to get a tree, and that roots the of the tree were attached and that there was still dirt falling everywhere. You both laughed at the worm that wiggled out looking confused as fuck. The fridge itself wasn't actually used, despite the fact that Bro wasn't there anymore, and Dirk had long since moved in with you after the end of The Game. Though now the both of you had your own personal Mini Fridges. John and Jane had made sure that you were both eating properly after hearing about Dave not ever having used a working fridge in his life. The mini Fridges were given to you a week after The Game had ended. Even Karkat got one, since he also lives with you now. But he spends a lot of time in Dave and his room, reading and writing.

If anyone was going to be honest, they'd have said that the Irony in the Strider household had actually been toned down since the end of The Game. It was once used as a defensive mechanism and anything of the sort, but now, things were truly for shits and giggles. That said, a lot of things had changed for the better. Dirk wasn't alone anymore and was finally learning how to socialize, Dave had learnt what having a proper sibling was actually like, or at least, he thought so. About as proper of a sibling as one could get in a post apocalyptic world where your sibling had only met you face to face nearly two years ago. Two awkward boys, still in their Teens, left alone to talk about life. Now though, as Dirk has thought to himself with a smile before, now they are more like best friends who just happened to be related through Slime Shenanigans. Speaking of shenanigans, Dirk is only really home towards the last few months of the year, and then through January and some of February. The rest of the time he finds himself out travelling and exploring with Jake, and boy does he love that man. He respects that Jake needs his space at times, and they both take that time to go spend it with their respective families.

The first Christmas they had together was confusing for the both of them. Dirk had never really celebrated all that much, not seeing a point as he had lived by himself for almost all of his life. Of course he had sent presents to his friends, but that was usually all. He had wanted to try and make Christmas an actual thing once he moved in with Dave, as he realized that he'd probably be surrounded by Christmas shit now that he was living surrounded by other living beings and not just fuck-ton of water. But then again, it's wasn't like there was any reason to Celebrate anyway, because where is humanity? As in actual humans and their strange traditions? Nowhere, that's where. But he'd read that Christmas is supposed to be a family thing, and now he actually has family there with him but did Dave celebrate Christmas? Dirk had never asked. Until of course the first Christmas they shared together. Their first Christmas, which had a come a mere Few Months after The Game had ended.

As for Dave, Christmas used to be a time of vague fear, strifing on the roof and maybe, if he was lucky, an actual real unopened bottle of apple juice. Sure, it was the crap in the container you'd feed to a child in first grader, but it was apple juice lovingly bought for him from the convenience store next to the apartment building. On special, usually, because no one buys it around Christmas and it's about to expire. He only ever got food poisoning twice; he thinks back now about how he was lucky it wasn't more than twice, and about how unlucky it was that a cashier wasn't concerned that the same man would walk in every year and buy a single bottle of expired apple juice at Christmas time. His first Christmas with Dirk went very different to how he imagined. AKA- he thought for sure Dirk would probably just give him something robotic and not actually do anything else. Maybe a Christmas hug, too, when he thinks about it.

 _But no, their first Christmas was very different to how either of them imagined it going. It started off the day before, on Christmas Eve. Here's how shit went down in the Strider Household x2._

"Hey, Dave." Dirk jumps up onto the couch and scoots next to Dave, "How do you usually do Christmas?"

Dave glances at Dirk and decides not to comment on the fact he looks nervous about asking, "Isn't it a little late to be asking about Christmas? It's literally in 3 hours to be exact."

"Still, you didn't make any kind of fuss over it, so I was curious." Dirk shrugs, glancing at the TV show they were both watching; it was Gilmore Girls, how Dave had got himself the series Dirk wasn't even going to ask, "Did you ever do anything for it?"

"Nothing particularly special. Some bad applejuice and denial of a hospital visit. Still somewhat OK applejuice, if I was especially lucky." Dave says, turning down the TV volume, sensing a chat on the rise.

"What the hell?" Dirk replies, "You're saying you've never done much for Christmas? I knew your Bro was shit, but like, nothing? Except apparently bad applejuice?"

"Yup, pretty much. Why, what did you do for Christmas?" Dave asks.

"Nothing. I didn't do anything except send gifts." Dirk says, "Speaking of, I've already sent my gifts this year. But I still haven't given you yours yet, since I didn't know what your take on Christmas would be."

"John invited us over for New Year, so I wasn't going to bother with gifts myself until then. Tried to bribe me over there with something called apple sauce. Stupid prankster. As if apples could ever be sauce." Dave scoffs, "Stupid Egbert and his pranksters gambit."

"Woah, wait. Am I hearing this right?" Dirk says, grabbing Dave's shoulders and shaking him gently, "Are you saying you've never had apple sauce before? Fuck, never even heard of it? Dude I lived alone my whole life and even I had some vague idea of what it was."

"Fuck off, you're lying. Shit's not real, you're just feeding into John's pranksters gambit." Dave huffs, turning Gilmore Girls' volume back up.

"I'll go buy some right now and prove it to you." Dirk says, jumping up form the couch and grabbing his wallet off the coffee stand.

"Dude, if you're going to try and prove me wrong, then I'll tell you right now that the only shop that will even be open at this time on Christmas Eve is going to be Gas station about a mile from here." Dave says.

"Shit closes for Christmas? Fuck, that's inconvenient. Never thought I'd be jumping into God Tier Pajamas to get some fucking apple sauce." Dirk grumbles, "I could just break into the closest store but then I'd feel bad for the little Prospitian lady running it. "

"If you're going to the store can you get some chips or something? Any flavor will do, I'm getting into some good episodes here." Dave says, "If Bro did at least one thing good, it was hoarding the entire collection of Gilmore Girls under his bed."

Dirk makes a mental note to actually watch Gilmore Girls, because if his alter self Bro liked it then chances are Dirk will too. Dirk shuts the door behind himself gently.

It takes Dirk a whole hour to find the shop, and by the time he gets back Karkat is out of his room and huddled up next to Dave. Dirk takes a moment to smile at the site before flinging the bag of chips at Dave with full force before walking over and dumping himself on the free end of the couch. He dumps his bag of shopping in his lap and rummages through it loudly.

"So Dave. Can you guess what I have right now, in my hand, in this bag?" Dirk's voice and grin is positively overflowing with smug pride.

"You're lying. You have nothing. It doesn't exist." Dave growls, pulling Karkat tighter against his side.

"What's he got?" Karkat mumbles, trying to lean over to look in the bag Dirk has.

"Apple sauce. But your boyfriend doesn't think it exists." Dirk grins.

"That shit that humans put on food?" Karkat says, making a grab at the bag.

"Hands off Karkat. Christmas stuff is precious here." Dirk grins, earning a punch in the arm of said Troll, "and yes, the shit us humans put on food. Some of us even eat it right out of the jar."

"Pft, whatever." Karkat growls, crossing his arms and leaning back into Dave, "Eat your stupid human sauce. I don't even celebrate Christmas."

Dirk grins and hands over the apple sauce and a shitty plastic spoon to Dave, watching as his face wrinkles into an expression of pure confusion. He grabs the sauce with both hands and twists the lid off and smells it. The scent of apple sauce wafts through the air. "Told you it was real."

"Fine. It's real, and I'm wrong. I'll let you have that win." Dave dips the spoon in and takes some out, popping it into his mouth, "Fuck. It's actually good. Holy shit dude, I think I could actually eat the whole jar of this right the fuck now."

"Who am I to stop you? Go for it." Dirk shrugs, he then reaches into the bag and pulls out a packet of mint biscuits, rips them open and shoves two into his mouth. Karkat's glaring daggers at him. "What?" He says between a mouthful of food.

"You got Dave shit and yourself. Where's my food, huh?"Karkat growls.

"Aww sorry buddy. Didn't get you anything." Dirk grins as Karkat gives him the most offended look.

"Asshole!" Karkat growls.

Dirk reaches back into the bag and pulls out a gas station meat pie and hopes to whatever God is out there that Karkat won't get sick from it. "I'm joking dude, of course I got you something." He chucks the packet-pie to Karkat.

"Oh. Thanks." Karkat mumbles, slipping the pie out of it's packet and shoving half the thing into his mouth, Dirk vaguely wonders if that's why Dave can't shut the fuck up in bed. Whenever they're doing something, they really are painfully obvious and Dirk just shoves his headphones into his ear and ignores them as best he can. Knowing Karkat can shove a whole half pie into his mouth, Dirk isn't sure whether to be amused or think that Dave is a lucky dude. He decides to ignore this information.

 _That was last years Christmas. They didn't have a tree and the whole day was Dave trying to stock up on apple sauce. Dirk did give them small gifts though, and the day after Christmas he had met up with Jake to personally give him his. Everyone else had already received theirs. Karkat got really into Gilmore Girls and demanded that Dave start it from the beginning so he could watch it too. Dirk joined in this time. But that was last Christmas... This Christmas however..._

The ironically shitty tree was in place, covered in exactly three shitty homemade decorations and one string of tinsel, Dirk and Dave stood back to admire their handicraft. Dave's bauble had SBaHJ in a tender loving embrace on it, whilst Dirk's just had a deliberately bad drawing of an anime boy with a chin so long and sharp it could stab someone. Karkat's bauble had 'I didn't want to do this ):B' written on it.

Dirk was about to bend down to pick up the worm that had fallen from the dirt when the there was a knock at the door. He glanced up at the door, then at Dave who just shrugged. "Did you invite someone over?" Dirk whispers.

"No, I thought you might have?" Dave shrugs, "Aw fuck, did Karkat do it?"

"What? I didn't do it!" Karkat hisses, making both the boys jump.

"Where did you come from?" Dirk mumbles. "Who the fucks at the door if none of us invited them?"

"First of all, Dirk. I've literally been sitting on this bench the entire time you two fucked around with that shitty tree." Karkat growls, "If neither of you two are going to answer the door then I will."

Karkat hops off the bench and walks over ot the door, wrenching it open. "What the f- Oh for fucks sake." Karkat sighs and walks away from the door to chuck himself face first onto the couch, leaving the door open.

Dave peers around the corner to look at who the guests are. "Oh shit. Hey John and CO. A little warning might have been neat. We would have maybe thought about cleaning a little."

"You wouldn't have cleaned for us." John laughs, jumping over to Dirk and Dave, pulling them both into a hug. Then he spots the tree, "Oh Jesus, what happened to the tree?"

"It's a pretty good tree, isn't it? A real beauty." Dirk smirks.

"It sure is ... homely." Jane says, after dumping her bags at the door. "How've you guys been?" She joins in on the Hug Pile.

"Hey Karkat come join in on this hug pile." Dave shouts. "You're missing out. Aw man, you can come too Dadbert. There's enough for everyone."

"Is.. Is this everyone? I figured more people would turn up with you guys?" Dirk asks.

"Oh no, Roxy and the other's are here too they're just a little... preoccupied. Also known as fussing over each other." Jane shrugs.

"Fussing over each other?" Dirk raises an eyebrow.

"Jake wants to look his best to see you. The dork. Roxy and Kanaya are fussing over him, Rose and Callie are too busy laughing over the other two fixing Jake up. Plus they're on luggage duty, I've got the presents." Jane explains. "Jade is just watching, trying to get them to hurry. I dunno how successful she will be though."

"Does Jake realize he doesn't have to get dressed up if it's a surprise gathering?" Dave laughs, "God, what a dork."

"Well, that's just how he is I suppose." John laughs, then remembers Karkat didn't join the hug pile. "Hey, let's bring the pile to Karkat, seeing as he won't come to us."

"Great idea!" Dave grins, glancing at Karkat.

"Don't you fucking dare squish me. I'll join if you don't squish me." Karkat yelps, jumping up just before everyone gets to the end of the couch.

"Then come on Karkles." Dave says, wiggling his arm free of the hug pile.

Karkat sighs and clambers forward, throwing his arms around Dave and John, "Fine. Goddamn it. If this pile get's any bigger it's going to be one big shitty clusterfuck."

As Dave is about to retort on how Hug Piles are the only pure things left aside from the Mayor, the door bursts open and Roxy runs in grinning. She dumps an armfull of bags and other crap right into the middle of the floor before bounding up to the hug pile and throwing her arms around Dirk. "Hey dudes! What is UP?"

Calliope follows behind her, and Dadbert disentangles himself from the hug pile to go check out the tree in the kitchen. There's some Stern Fatherly Concern about the worm on the ground and trail of dirt from the door to the fridge. The hug pile disintegrates slowly and everyone is now just chatting about how things have been. Finally Jake and the others turn up, playful arguments could be heard all the way down the hall of the apartment building. Jake spots Dirk and they run to meet each other in a tight embrace. Kanaya goes to ruffle Karkat's hair and ask how he's been. Dave, John and Jade are curled up on the couch chatting together while Rose is sitting on the coffee table instead of the couch. Dadbert is spotted trying to clean up the mess left by the tree while Calliope and Roxy shove the presents under it.

Terezi didn't end up turning up (as everyone expected anyway), and neither did the Mayor, much to the chargrin of Dave and Karkat (but they understood thatthe Mayor had his mayorly concerns to take of in Can Town, so he was immediately forgiven). Eventually the couch ended up pushed onto the back wall so everyone could grab pillows and blankets to huddle in front of the TV. They let Dadbert have the couch so that no one would fight over it. That was until Roxy piped up and says, "Hey guys, I think we should play a game."

"What game?" Dirk says worriedly.

"You know, like truth or dare!" She replies, grinning, "I'll go first. Hey Dirk, truth or dare?"

A collective groan goes around the room but everyone decides to play along anyway. "Fine, truth I guess." Dirk replies.

"Right on! Okie dokie, Dirk. Did you like the present I got you?" Roxy asks.

"I'm sure I will like it when you actually give it to me." Dirk says.

"Oh right. Oops. Your turn." Roxy laughs.

"Ok, John. Banged a dude yet?" Dirk grins, knowing the question will get him riled up.

"Wha-! No of course not." John retorts, his whole face going red. "B-besides, it's not like there's any guy I could bang anyway."

"So you've at least thought about it." Dirk grins, "Anyway I'm just messing with you, it's your turn."

John glares at Dirk, "Whatever. Dave, truth or dare?"

"Dare. Fire it up, dude, I can handle anything." Dave grins.

"Oh shit, ok um... slap yourself?" John says, frasing it like a question.

"That's fucking weak, I thought you were a master prankster." Dave frowns, slapping himself never-the-less. "Whatever. Roxy, truth or dare?"

"Truth!" She grins.

"You ever think that maybe this game was a mistake?" Dave says.

"Hmm, nope. Not really." Roxy shrugs.

"Well it probably is, I mean, we already know so much about everyone that there's almost nothing worth asking." Dave says, "Not to be a downer or anything, but there's probably almost nothing anyone could say to surprise us any more."

"Oh you have a point." Roxy hums, "Then how about we just get straight to the gift giving, then? I know I've been dying to give the presents out."

"That sounds like a fucking great idea." Dirk pipes up.

"I second that!" Karkat yells.

They all bound on over to the presents, meaning that the kitchen was absolutely packed. Not that anyone really minded other than karkat who tried his best to stay out of the packed kitchen, and yet still in line of the sight of the presents. Not that he'd admit he was interested in them or anything, but he sure as hell was. Rose, naturally, had given everyone homemade Christmas sweaters, which went well with Kanaya's gifts of personalized beanies. John had gotten everyone their own tv series, while Jane had baked gifts. Roxy gave everyone long hugs and scarves, despite the weather being unusually hot after creating the new universe. Even if Earth C was somewhat the same as Earth A, the weather never went back to how it was. Calliope made a book for everyone, and gave each of them a copy. Dirk drew everyone some stuff, things that he knew they all liked and would probably appreciate. Karkat didn't want to participate but ended being nagged by Dave to at least do something, and that's how everyone ended up with some romance novels. Dave stuck to what he was good at and made everyone both an actual good piece of music and an ironically shitty Christmas song on a cd. He didn't name the tracks so you couldn't tell which was the piece of shit in among the actually nice music. Dadbert just baked a few cakes and gave everyone loving pats on the shoulder. Everyone gets the feeling this is just how things are going to be every year unless you can all get new ideas.

 _Everyone spent the next few hours chatting happily with each other-_

 _And then, it happened._

A knock at the door. Wasn't even a light knock, it was pounding hard against the door. Everyone in the room froze. Dirk and Dave hoping with all they have to hope for that it isn't the neighbors coming to complain about the noise.

"We know you're in there! Don't pretend you're not, You wound me!" A voice yells out.

"Holy shit." John yelps and jumps up, running to the door. Even Karkat looks a little startled.

John rips the door open and standing there like they own the place is Terezi and Vriska. Everyone is silent for a moment before Karkat just whispers a 'holy shit'.

"Geez, why all the silence? I thought you would all be dying to see me!" Vriska grins, walking in and dumping a single bag on the still growing pile of bags. Terezi follows suit.

"You're actually here..." John says, grinning at Vriska and Terezi.

"Yeah, and it took forever to find you. Do you realize how annoying it is, to find your best friend and then when you both go to your other friends places, NONE of you are there? We went to everyone's house!" Terezi throws her arms up in exasperation, "Yet here you all are, cramped inside the Strider Hive with... is that a fucking TREE in the nutrition block?I can smell it from here. Plus some dirt?"

John laughs, "Yeah it's Christmas. A human thing. We're mostly just doing it for the gifts and an excuse to hang out with friends, though."

"We tried to get in contact with you, Terezi, but you weren't answering so we figured you were still really busy finding Vriska." Rose pipes up from her spot on Kanaya's lap. "I guess you found her."

"Yeah, and it took forever." Terezi says, heading over to where the group was all sitting and yanking a pillow out from under Karkat's head ('you bitch!'- Karkat), "I'm so fucking tired."

"Well, it's good to be back." Vriska grins, reaching over to pull John into a one armed hug. "How'd it all go? Well, obviously it went fucking great since we're all here, but I mean, in general?"

"Your plans worked. You're a pretty good leader." John says.

"Pretty good? More like pretty damn fantastic." Vriska laughs, dragging John and herself over to the group. "Actually, everyone did a pretty good job, you know. If you didn't then where would we all be?"

"Haha, I guess you're right." John replies.

"Sorry we don't have presents for you guys, since none of us thought we'd even be seeing either of you for ages." Dave says, shrugging.

"Eh, don't worry about it. It's a human thing anyway." Vriska says, sitting down beside Terezi. John moves to sit beside Vriska.

"You've changed a bit." John says.

"Maybe. But how could you know, we haven't talked in ages, and the last time we had a real long conversation was over 5 years ago for you. Not counting the pre-battle small talk back on the meteor." Vriska replies.

"Oh yeah, I guess. I mostly talked to your ghost from a dead timeline. Talked to her in person, I mean. Guess she gave me the wrong impression. She was a huge bitch." John shrugs, "No offense to you of course."

"Nah, I was a huge bitch once too. If you met ghost me, she is still me but just different experiences. Maybe this post apocalyptic world changes everyone." Vriska grins. "Can't imagine you'd still like me if you met bitchy x eight-fold me."

"I'd have to think about it." John grins, nudging Vriska's shoulder with his.

"It's nice to have you both back." Kanaya pipes up, "Not that we were not enjoying the peace."

"I don't really know how long I'll be staying to be honest. I'll probably explore this planet as much as I can, but then I'd want to travel. I am still me." Vriska says, "But I'll probably come back every now and again if you're all going to miss me that much." She grins at Kanaya.

"So what is that you're all watching? Sounds pretty stupid." Terezi says.

"It's Gilmore Girls season 6; and dont you dare call it stupid. It's a masterpiece." Dirk says.

"It's only a masterpiece if you ignore the shitty acting." Rose replies. "The really atrocious acting. As in 5th Grade Drama Class acting."

"Ok, so maybe the acting is shit. I'll give you that, but still. It's great." Dirk defends himself.

"Is it that great?" John says in a light voice.

"Oh man, if Egbert here is dissing it then maybe it is shit." Dave laughs.

"Gilmore Girls is great. You're all just being mean." Dirk huffs, turning back to face the TV.

"Dude, we're just fucking with you. Some of it is maybe a little tiny bit funny, I'll give it that." John laughs.

"I'm with Dirk, I think it's pretty good." Jake says, Dirk sends him a smirk.

"Your opinion doesn't count. You like everything." Roxy grins.

"Rude." Jake retorts.

"I also must say this isn't too bad." Calliope smiles.

"Callie your opinion doesn't count either, sorry. This series really is considered to be bad. From the perspective of us humans anyway. It's fine if you like it though! I'm not saying don't like it or anything." Jane leans over to whisper to Calliope.

"Oh. Ok. I think I get it, as in human standards right?" Calliope replies.

"Yes, human standards. In human standards this series is poorly made." Jane nods, "Sorry for sounding harsh, I didn't mean for it to come out as rude."

"Oh no you're ok, don't worry." Calliope says, leaning over Roxy to give Jane a small hug.

"OK enough talk about Gilmore Girls! It's getting tedious. Let's talk about literally anything else." Vriska yells.

"Yeah lets. Why does it smell like dirt in here?" Terezi says. "Seriously, why? I could smell it the second I walked in here."

"It's the shitty tree they have over there, I can literally see a trail of half swept up dirt leading to it from here." Vriska says, "Better yet, why the fuck do you have tree in here? Or is part of that Human Thing Called Christmas?"

"It's definitely The Human Thing Called Christmas." Dirk says, pausing Gilmore Girls as it seems literally no one is paying attention to it now except for a few of the girls. Jade and Calliope have had their eyes glued to the screen for ages. Karkat too, but he's been getting distracted with glaring at the newcomers every now and again. "Also the tree is not shitty,it's a work of art and you will appreciate it."

Vriska shrugs and turns back to John.

Everyone continues chatting and arguing for the next hour, By the end of the night, with everyone settling in sleep (lots of arguments over sleeping arrangements most certainly do occur), Dirk's left wondering how Christmas had turned from what it was last year to what was this year. All he can think of is how 'so this must be what all those books meant by The Christmas Mayhem'. Christmas is, without a doubt, chaos. As fun as the night has been, Dirk hopes it doesn't happen like this next year. If it does, let it please not ever be the Strider Household. This apartment is far too cramped; let it be John's house next, anywhere other than here. With all these people in the apartment, the whole place is heating up. As Dave has noticed, it's starting to feel Too Much like Old Texas up in here. At least there is still an AC. All good households require one. Though considering the lack of blankets the Strider's have equipped to handle so many guests at once, turning the AC might not be the best idea as it will turn into a huge Hug For Warmth-fest.

 _On second thoughts..._

 _He turns the AC on._

 _ **End**_

 **Ok so maybe it's a shitty end to a fic I had no idea which direction I actually wanted it to go, but here we are. It's longer than I originally wanted it to be, since I prefer making shorter fics. But whatever. What's done is done. Of course I never beta read so if anything's out of place, please feel free to just say "dude you lazy shit at least edit your work". To which I will reply. "Um no I will never do so, and you can never get me to."**

 **Also I was at my local GP today and I told her about my fanfics and she fucking says "ooh send me some I'd like to read them". Moral of the story is : Dont tell your doc about your fics if you dont want to end up wanting to Die.**


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